Prickly
December 12th, 2007Ooh, it has been an interesting workweek as insults go. I thought my skin was thicker.
You cannot upset me by calling me a whore. You can make me curl a lip by calling me “self-conscious” or “repressed”. (For retaining my panties and for wearing latex gloves, respectively.) But most of all you can upset me by telling me that as professionals we ought to adjust our bodies to what our clients prefer. I understand the importance of being clean and neat and well-dressed in any profession, but it is never the entire picture.
This is a nebulous business. It is rarely clear why a client prefers me, or the interaction I have; why he returns or why he does not; what I did to attract him; or what I might do to attract others like him. Much of this has nothing to do with me.
Suggesting that it does — that it all does — is dangerous, and I think many sex workers fall into this trap. The one thing we can control absolutely is how we look, and god, do some of us ever. We shave and wax and paint and primp and tan. We get plastic surgery. We exercise obsessively. We starve ourselves.
Hearing a man suggest this makes me so helplessly angry. Issues like body image and eating disorders get my panties in a twist (or would, if I were wearing any).
There’s a reason so many people hate their photos: appearance is only an aspect of our interactions, and not always the most attractive. Clients reliably tell me I look better in person than in my retouched, professionally done photos. Why? I’ve just walked into the room, that’s why; I have a heartbeat, I have two legs, and I am available for sale. If you must offer us advice on attractiveness, instruct us to be personable, to be charismatic, to develop our skills. Don’t say “don’t be fucking fat”.
You are not a better woman if you are hungry and don’t eat. You are not a better woman if you set the alarm half an hour earlier to paint your naked face. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
I know what some of you are thinking, too, is that I signed up for this game the day I became a sex worker. I disagree. I signed up to sell sex, which is something I do, not to strive to be sex. The idea that one embodies sex without having it is just a little bit fucked up.
And ultimately this game is futile, this game of being thin and pretty and perfect. If you ever achieve the fantasy — and with enough denial and pain and money, it might be done — the ideal could change in an instant. When you measure your physical worth to someone else’s arbitrary standard, there is no way to win.
Of course sex work is probably just reinforcing all these beauty myths I hate, and I’m doing my part to ruin the lives of the next generation of young women as we speak. Bah.
File this under “don’t know what to think about it”.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:01 am
It’s a shame that people play those games or aren’t considerate of others. But my question why is it hard for some women to accept themselves or see themselves through the eyes of their partner?
Recently broke up with a women who was extremely attractive to me, proportionate, healthy, sexy and lovely… all in one package. She could accept that however and made herself miserable trying to live up to society’s standards. Starving herself, making herself sick and so forth to the point of driving me and others away.
Can’t say I completely understand the pressures as I am male. But overall I agree with you on this peeve.
I too have no answers from this side of the fence.
Dave
December 13th, 2007 at 7:44 am
It’s easy sometimes to let myself believe that I’m the only person in the whooooooooooooooole wide world who feels and thinks the things I do about myself, my appearance, my social anxieties, etc. I know, though, when I can pry my head out of my ass, that most of us are socialized to hate ourselves, to feel inadequate and unattractive and to flail about trying to meet unattainable ideals. It makes me so angry.
You met my girlfriend Jade in March at that party in Baltimore–her weight goes up and down, but she’s always been heavy, and she has no shortage of men fawning over her at any given time. She has several friends who are sex workers who’ve tried to recruit her into escort services and pro-dom work, though I think she’s declined so far. What people like is very individual, and you don’t have to be a twig to get love, sex, or clients. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
December 13th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Casey’s comment reminds me what I tell people who are thinking about being sex workers but are worried their bodies don’t fit the standards of beauty: When you look outside of the media produced images of sex workers, and take a peek into the real industry, it turns out there’s a market for every size and shape out there.
But who am I to talk? After all, I just got my first set of long fake acrylic fingernails. And oooh I love them.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Rita, that’s a really good point. One of the reasons I love, love, love sex work is that people invite me inside their bedrooms, learning what it is that they really do and like. And it’s everything under the sun.
I could never have acrylics. No fisting, no dishwashing! I couldn’t cope.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Casey
re: being alone…
I picked up a romance novel at work the other day and read most of it before I realized it wasn’t horror.
The protagonist was convinced she was fat, stupid, hideous, socially inept and unlovable. (Although she was none of these things.) She hated her thin, pretty, vapid housemates. Men swarmed all over her and eventually her true love proposed and she realized she wasn’t that bad after all.
Apparently, the writer thought this plot would strike home with the average American woman. ugh!
It’s absolutely true that what physical preferences vary. It’s also true that you don’t always need to care. Sex is about what you do, not necessarily what you look like while you’re doing it.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Dave, society is nothing if it’s not brilliant in its ability to provide self-reinforcing paradigms that lead to those pressures. Simply put, in a society that measures women’s only value in their ability to provide sexual satisfaction for men, and then tell men exactly what kinds of beauty should be sexually satisfying, you restrict everyone to using a very certain kind of currency to talk to one another. It’s generally accepted that in such a system you can’t simply say what you think because you’re partner is going to lie to you anyway. Sounds to me like your ex wasn’t able to make that leap of faith.
Also, for the record, such pressures are not solely leveled at women.
December 13th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Said person . . . less than bright. Obviously, and as other posters have said, there are many different standards of attraction. You adhere to THIS set because . . . well, because it’s what you’re doing. You seem to be doing well enough for yourself. So why is change even necessary other than to become more attractive to one set of people and likely less attractive to another?
December 13th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
It’s generally accepted that in such a system you can’t simply say what you think because you’re partner is going to lie to you anyway. Sounds to me like your ex wasn’t able to make that leap of faith.
Thanks, May, that’s exactly what I would’ve said if I had scraped the brain cells together.
December 17th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Well, I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now, and have never felt a need to comment before now. Regardless of your profession, no one has a right to say that to you. I don’t care if they are an investment banker or your local plumber, everyone has a right to decency and to be treated with respect. If he said that to you, I hope you just walked out of the room on him. And yes, you could claim that you are reinforcing certain archetypes that society has come to expect from everyone, but at the same time, it is also understood that these archetypes are exactly that, fantasies that can never really be achieved. If someone is really trying to force an image on you, then there is something very wrong with them. We should appreciate each other in society because of our individuality, not because we try to be other people. Btw… show him a picture of marilyn monroe, who is the perfection of sensuality in our culture, and then let him tell people they are fat. btw… sorry if this is not coherent, i am on a caffeine blitz for a final tomorrow, but after reading this i felt a need to comment.