Your sex appeal is not your self-worth
January 15th,May’s comment was so perfect, I’m reposting it.
Not that this is news to you, Calico, but I think it deserves articulation here:
Declining an offer of sex is also something that many people do not [do] out of repulsion for the person making the proposal, but because of some other reason that has very little to do with the offer itself and much more to do with their own, internal workings.
Furthermore, men and male-identified people should be able to say “no” and not be considered to be “not right in the head” because you can’t say “yes” if you can’t also say “no.” And we should all know that by now. But clearly we don’t.
Thank you! This is exactly what I meant. Look, I had a fleeting moment of insecurity, and I also had the possibility of getting turned down. Two unrelated things. His rejection would NOT have caused my silliness.
Conversely, this separation — of sex appeal and self-worth — is also a really good thing to keep in mind if you’re a woman in sex work. There, you have the opposite problem. You’re being bombarded with requests for sex. Knowing that these requests have little to do with you can help you deal with them.
From Hobo Stripper:
You also need to understand that wanting to have sex with you isn’t a predatory thing, it’s just a want. If you feel like you’ve been assaulted every time someone wants to have sex with you you are going to be totally traumatised by dancing. (Stripping 102)
Boundaries are not what happen when you say no. Boundaries are your own knowledge of yourself, of where you end and other people begin. In a strip club you have total control, if you take it and even if you don’t. If you do something that traumatizes you, you are the only person you have to blame. Don’t abuse your own sexuality. (Stripping 103)
Between Hobo Stripper and Vespa Vagabond, I not only want to take the summer off, I want to go haring off across the country.
January 15th, at 9:38 pm
Boundaries are not what happen when you say no. Boundaries are your own knowledge of yourself, of where you end and other people begin.
Can I get a “Hell Yeah!”?
(*crowd gives out a “Hell Yeah!”*)
Boundaries are often enforced by saying no, but they aren’t be all and end all. Yes and no are both important, and so are all the grays. Without a center of self, we can’t handle the liminal states.
I should stop cleaning, my brain goes all weird. *grin*
Of course your sexual appeal is not your self worth, nor is your willingness to perform as a sexual creature for everyone who asks. (Not that feeling sexually desirable is never something important at a given moment - but it does not encompass you.)
I’m not saying anything you don’t know, so I should go back to dusting.
Incidentally,
I have never heard the expression “haring off across the country” - explain please?
January 16th, at 2:27 am
“Haring off” is an idiom, meaning to veer or wander off with alacrity. Ah, I Googled it: “to move hurriedly,
as if hunting a swift quarry“.
January 16th, at 9:50 am
Probably from the behavior of hares & rabbits when attempting to avoid being eaten.
January 16th, at 12:12 pm
SJ, interestingly, it seems that the word is actually used to describe the movement of the one hunting the hare.
And of course, this all reminds me of my expression, “Run! Run like a bunny on fire!”
January 16th, at 12:13 pm
Hello Calico
I’ve just been enjoying the Flea photos at Viviane’s site. They’re *really* hot. Your outfit is delightful, but, n’know, you’re too attractive to wear clothes. Naked is best!
Yrs in pervery, Adrian
January 16th, at 2:00 pm
I thought you were just pronouncing “whoring” in a funny way. I love that I can get a vocabulary lesson *and* some fantastic eye candy from your blog.
PS sign that petition I linked to! And if you feel like telling more folks about it…
January 16th, at 4:25 pm
Thanks for reposting that comment. I obviously thought it was valuable, too.
Thanks also for showing another angle on its application. I like that I learn so much from you.