I’m only jealous
July 5th, 2007I think I’m ready to admit that Leather Retreat is over. My shoulders are recovered (my boyfriend’s whips are too heavy for the enthusiasm with which I threw them), and the fresh scars on my back are fading in gloss and color.
Afterwards while everyone complained of “event crash”, I simply couldn’t write. To write I need to be present, and I was daydreaming.
You mean I have to wear clothes? Seriously?
Panties too?
While neither I, nor most of my clients, want me to wear panties, the wearing of panties is necessary for the success of the system. It’s the only way I know to fend people off my crotch. No matter what I say, no matter how sternly I lay down the “no touching” rules, a client always makes a grab for it. Always.
Sometimes it’s clandestine, the back-of-the-hand brush while worshipfully stroking the thigh. That makes me even madder. Like I’m not going to feel it? Like you have plausible deniability?
I’m all about sex with my sadomasochism, but my professional distinction must stray from the ideological. Remember how I don’t sell illegal sex? If a service — like nudity — even suggests sex, I’m scared of it. When I tease to provoke, I may literally tie my client up first. My unwilling premise is that they can’t help themselves, any more than I have the power to control them.
If you take this aspect of sex work alone, or as a reflection of character, it makes one a little uneasy. No wonder I feel a little wary going to orgies; no wonder people expect that I’d pick up an abiding suspicion of the male gender.
But I don’t. So I haven’t.
In fact I am jealous of my clients.
They have easily articulated desires, or if complex, have learned to simplify them. They come almost every time. (For my masturbation to be so reliable!) They seem so happy when they do.
I am sure my view is biased — it always is — but being a client looks like a lot of fun. We could all use a little bit of being catered to.
Non-clients sneer at such satisfaction. They talk about guilt (inevitable!) and shame (crippling!) and a feeling of soul-sucking emptiness and unfulfilment. (If you get a cold chill when a ghost walks by you, do you get spiritually chilled when I walk by you? Maybe it’s balanced by the warmth in your gonads.) But none of these are the exclusive purview of my clients, “johns” in general, or even of men.
The other thing I am jealous of lately is their drive. Especially where it came to BDSM, I’ve always wanted sex, sometimes in desperate and inadvisable ways. But lately my drive, at least for sex sex, isn’t quite there. Sex is merely… nice.
When was sex ever nice? The sex I know is epic! Sex horrifies my neighbors and renders me incapable of walking. When screaming is not appropriate, I must have pillows to bite. When pillows are not available (knocked off bed, wedged under ass) I stuff my arm in my mouth. After a weekend of good sex I’ll have yellow-green crescents on the insides of both upper arms.
I have sex nowadays and I’m happy if I come once or twice. Not that it’s bad; I’m just not into it.
And I miss that. I want to want it all the time, to want it eight times a day. To want it so badly that I’d pay for it, and pay handsomely; beg for a same-day appointment; settle in a pinch for some strange young girl who forgot to paint her toenails; and be happy, no, grateful for it.
To need it.
And then to be able to buy it.
I’m jealous of that.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
What’s changed to dampen your drive? Do you know? I hope you find it again soon.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:20 am
I feel that way sometimes when I’m in a relationship and there is absolutely no doubt that I’m going to be getting sex again and again and again and again.
And when I’m not getting it, I’m wanting it. More and more desperately. Especially if I’m not giving myself the orgasms, but even if I am.
Try chastity for a week or 10 days. Does wonders for your sex drive. Or give him control over whether or not you’ll get orgasms or not, even while you’re giving them to him. That will ramp up the sexual tension. Doing something different helps. So will long, slow, deliberate, sadistic, delicious, kinky, gradual, exquisite, excruciating, aching, teasing foreplay. I can’t believe your boyfriend can’t find a way to make you beg for it.
I think it was in the film “Diner” where someone (a guy) said that when you get married, the drive to have sex just settles down. I thought it was probably just a guy thing, but maybe not.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Anything that you can get easily loses its appeal, I live most frequently in a country where I can buy a girl for the evening for the price of a lap dance in my native London - Mostly I would rather have a wank! I have little experience with bdsm because I don’t believe any person, female or male, is superior to me. I am more interested in finding out about the dynamics of this thing, I can appreciate the money angle, (women sell themselves and always have - many men are prepared to pay for women and that will never change). What I don’t understand is how women can justify doing things that they castigate men for.
July 7th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Food, sex and sleep have never lost their appeal for me before… and I’ve always have them readily available. Who knows…
Re: Toni - BDSM doesn’t have to be about superiority, or hypocrisy. It can be if that gets you off, but it’s certainly not that for me. No penis, however huge, could eclipse my ego.
I hope it doesn’t come across that I’m castigating my clients.
Thanks for reading.
July 7th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
That desperateness which you describe your clients enjoying is not something I have ever known a single one of them to truly desire.
Then again, what would I know? I can’t see myself ever paying for a dominatrix’s attentions with money out of desperation, so that first sentence could be mighty salted.
July 8th, 2007 at 9:44 am
Maymay, I’m curious: do you and Calico share clients? Because the impression you give from your first sentence is that you know something about her clients that she doesn’t.
July 8th, 2007 at 11:55 am
May: You’re right, I don’t want to make stupid decisions out of lust — which desperation is. I want to feel that level of lust and do productive things with it instead. Like make hot porn and fuck my boyfriend.
GW: May is a real-life friend of mine, and a submissive man, but neither client nor provider.
May and I have had discussions on sex work before; he’s much more critical of clients’ choices and the value, if any, of sexual services. But neither of us are clients, so in the end I usually try to drop the argument. We’re both just guessing what goes on in their heads, where any “real” meaning of it starts and ends.
Desperate passion doesn’t always have to end badly. (See above, re: hot porn and boyfriend.) And I think sex workers can be a healthy outlet for runaway lust. But people probably come to me for wrong reasons, too. I’m sure desperation leads a lot of my clients to what buyer’s remorse they may feel.
I rarely know someone’s motivations, but I romanticize them all the same. It’s hard for me not to get off on the helplessness, the weakness, the power imbalance.
July 8th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
I don’t get to feel that kind of intense lust, that thing where it’s all I can see, all I can feel, and I’d do anything to have it (whatever “it” is at the moment) very often. I envy anyone who gets to experience that on a regular basis. In a relationship, sex with my partner(s) is warm and sweet and comfortable, and it has its moments of hotness, but… that all-consuming riveting level of desire, that doesn’t happen often for me. It’s a precious thing when it does happen, and much as I’d like to get to feel it all the time, I count myself lucky to find it now and then. Maybe it’s different for other people. The play partner who most consistently stirs that sentiment in me doesn’t fuck me, and I suspect it might be better that way–maybe what we do would become less arousing if it ended in sex. I dunno. It’s not about desperation or scarcity, either. I’ve felt plenty of that, and that’s not exciting or fun for me.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Huh. I don’t think i’ve ever had desire for sex like you describe. Lovers constantly argue with me when I say I have a low sex drive. But for me sex has always been… nice. It can sometimes be lovely. But that driving, all consuming need? So very, very rare for me.
It might be due to my almost constant celibacy. It’s rare enough for me that if it consumed me that much I’d get stupid in what I did to satisfy it. I do know that during those brief times I have some regular access to it my drive tends to go up.
It might just be that I’ve kept the brakes clamped down for so long recently that I am afraid to let them off.