Today I want to link to Annie Sprinkle’s The 40 Reasons Why Whores Are My Heroes.

How is this relevant to anything I do? you might ask. You’re not a whore — you’re a dominatrix. You whip people and make them say thank you while they kiss your boots. You are never required to be naked or vulnerable or patient; you don’t give pleasure.

Well… I would expect a shitstorm, but no one’s reading me yet, so I might as well get this out of the way early.

It ain’t so different. It’s all sex work.

I come to pro domination from other fields of sex work. I did a bit of erotic modeling, sometimes for amateurs and aspiring pornographers. I stripped briefly. I did foot fetish work. I even dabbled in prostitution.

With this in mind, I eased into pro domination warily. I get some credit for being kinky in my private time, but I was certainly no forceful, raging bitch who found her ecumenical calling at this job. Most of the things I’d done seemed in direct opposition to the image of a dominatrix. I had pleased men for money before — including a couple of upstanding retail jobs — and I had enjoyed it. I was terrified someone would find out and accuse me of betraying the sisterhood.

In a way I’ve always been beholden to “the sisterhood”, this odd idea that I represent all of womankind and must behave appropriately. It kept me from doing private sessions — think disposable camera — when I modeled, because I marketed myself as a model (even through I was doing bachelor parties at the time) and that wasn’t what I wanted people to think other models did. It kept me quiet when I started doing porn, for the same reason. Now as a professional dom I’ve got all sorts of people out for the blood of my kin, even if they can’t get worked up over a baby dom like me. The BDSM scene isn’t always welcoming to pros, and I understand why (exploitation’s never nice). But now anyone with a chip on their shoulder wants to prove that I’m really submissive, or at least not truly dominant (whatever the fuck that means). Switches hate me for putting them into categories, submissive men and dominant women hate me for perpetuating stereotypes and cheapening their joys. And most worryingly? This time, I care about it all.

First, let’s get the legalities out of the way: I do not fuck and I do not suck. Not at my job, at least. Clients can’t come to me and get a handjob. All these things are illegal in the state of New York, and it is both stupid and rude to ask me or any other pro-dom if we do them. In this manner professional domination is nothing like whoring.

On the other hand, clients are still coming to us to buy a sexual service. Clients are naked, we are scantily clad. We will hear what they want (which should align with what we offer) and deliver what we think they will interpret as a good experience. This is true even if what I do is cane them bloody, say degrading things and send them out teary, sniffling, and smelling like piss.

A common conceit is that clients can pay me for my time and I can do whatever I like. Ugh! I can assure you of two things, one in line with the stereotype and one in opposition. First, at any given time I would probably rather be reading a book in the park; if someone really wants to free up my time from all this terrible, tedious work, research financial slavery. (In other words, give me the money and leave; don’t sit around whining about how you’re not worthy. I’m only too happy to believe you.) Second, the joy I take in domination is closely linked to the joy (or whatever it is that involves all the squealing and begging) that you get from submission.

Never have I had a job where my clients made me feel so weird about respect and compassion. Or seen so much internalized guilt passed off as sexual fantasy.

The most boring session for me is one where I poke at you with random implements and you don’t respond. I might as well be sticking pins in a mannequin for all the sexual thrill I get out of that. I don’t doubt that pain hurts you, or denial frustrates you; my pleasure lies in the fact that you’ve asked me for it anyway.

So yes, what I like is linked to what you like. Why is it so important that your mistress be a callous, uncaring bitch? There are enough of them in the world. Face it — even if I want to make you miserable, I have to care a little about what makes you happy. And that’s quite apart from the fact that you’re an idiot and a liar for wanting “whatever you wish, Mistress”, since you wouldn’t be content with it: I’ve got a business to run, where customer satisfaction is important.

It may be in direct contradiction to the fantasy stereotype, but professional domination is about being good to men. It’s a service profession. Does that make us “service tops”? Sure it does. Can we still be dangerous, sadistic, sexually motivated hellions? Hell, yes.

I just wish people would recognize that what we’re doing is selling sex. Kink as sexual experience, sure, but sex. Even if they don’t jerk off it’s sex. Even if they keep their clothes on it’s sex. And we can’t — shouldn’t! — lord it over other sex workers because we are further distanced from the smelly, sweaty, nasty reality of cock in warm wet place.

Of course, not all pro-doms think this. There’s a lot of contempt for strippers, who get naked — I don’t understand it, will even do sessions topless. (Then again I’ve never claimed to be a proper pro, just one who pays the rent.) There’s a lot of contempt for prostitutes, too. I really can’t see that one: it’s our disrespect for prostitutes that creates all the inappropriate, and sometimes frighteningly forceful, ways men solicit me for sex. And I do fantasy faciliation without a hint of guilt. I don’t think that submission is something I need to teach a foot fetishist to appreciate, or that every role-player can be “trained” into appreciating pain. No one kink is better than the other, even when it’s not kinky.

Posted in links, modeling, feminism, pro domination, sex work, explanation, whores, foot fetish, fantasy facilitation, prostitution, the scene, (il)legalities, financial slavery, service topping