On (Not) Being A Selfish Bitch
September 24th, 2007Two posts, from two of my favorite bloggers, line up nicely with mine today: Eileen’s on being a wish-granting top, and Bitchy Jones’ on why pro-doms should die attitudes on sex and domination are screwy.
See, a friend asked me to participate in a specific fantasy.
I felt privileged that he would confide. I’m trustworthy and capable: he’d have a fabulous time with me. I told him yes, of course.
But my pleasure is not involved, except as a function of his. Sex, he said, would ruin it. And I am ambivalent-to-disinterested in oral sex. (Yes, that is the sound of submissive men crying.) I know how to respect boundaries and I still enjoy playing when sex is not allowed, but this boy and I? We do fuck. It’s a big selling point.
I don’t understand this “submissive headspace”. Or “denial” that has to include mine.
As I waited for the train in the mist, I chewed over my reaction. If I did this, and did it happily, might we stop having interactions that got me off? I couldn’t figure out if I should be less selfish, more selfish, if selfishness was the issue. Sex work can broaden perspectives, but it can also blur. Staring off into the drizzle, I wondered if my sexuality had any core at all. Under so much foreign demand and desire, I was losing myself before I had ever known what — if anything — I wanted.
I find that to be GGG, you must do it with good grace, and savor your partner’s enjoyment as if it were your own. No point otherwise. “I’ll indulge your filthy foot fetish, you freak” sends your partner to me. Even telling your partner that you just do it to get them off — even if it’s true — tends to be sabotage.
On the flip side, if you do your job too well or appear to enjoy it too much, your partner may figure it’s fair exchange for other activities you enjoy. The next thing you know, your favorite position has been banished and your entire sex life consists of toe-sucking and sploshing with chocolate pudding in the bathtub.
I know quite a few women who swear that one should never fuck one’s boyfriend up the ass. Slip him one, they say, and kiss your sex life goodbye; he’ll be your bitch forever, leaving you to serve you both with your silicone dick. (For the record, this has never been the case with my boyfriends.)
How do you find a balance?
I think maybe I will beat the shit out of him, and then tie him to the bed so that he can’t argue about it one way or the other.
It’s not rape if he’s hard, right?
September 24th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I disagree with your version of the terms and conditions of being a “GGG.” I don’t think anyone needs to pretend or demonstrate how specific fetishes turn them on in order to please a fetishistic partner. For example, I do not anyone who’s feet I play with to enjoy it on the same level as I do. Most often, they don’t enjoy it at all, per se, but take pleasure and pride in their ability to give me pleasure.
And vice versa, I am happy to do the same for them.
When it comes to specific fetishes/interests, it’s a game of give and take. I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
September 24th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
… But what was his fantasy?
September 24th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Boymeat -
I like your take on it better than mine.
But then it all depends where you draw the line between fetish and sex. What are the back-scratching things (the fetishes) and which are the core (the sex), the desires for which you do need reciprocity?
September 24th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
Hey, you!
Unfortunately the only dirty secrets I am here to spill are mine.
September 25th, 2007 at 3:50 am
I have found that in the good relationships I’ve had, the more I’ve been willing to indulge my partners’ desires, the more they’ve been willing to indulge mine. It’s not, “Oh all right, you toe sucking freak,” but giving with grace and enjoying one another’s pleasure even if the specific activity doesn’t exactly float one person’s boat–watching the other get happy about it is enjoyment enough.
I think that usually, the more I indulge my partners in the things that turn them on, the more erotic energy they’re going to have to share with me.
Good luck.
September 25th, 2007 at 4:42 am
The line has to be drawn together. Definitions for words like sex have to be agreed upon by the people involved.
September 28th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Sometimes I get home from work, read your blog and wonder what wonderful alternate universe you live in. It feels eons away from the universe I live.