I took all my sex toys home when my dungeon closed.

I’ve never been much of a sex toy person. I like cock, and I’m cheap and lazy. Still, for novelty purposes, I dropped them at the not-yet-pseudonymous man’s house (who we will henceforth call the Lawyer). I kept us up until 6am cooing and coming and insisting on more sex. Six! In the morning! There was actual dawn before we went to sleep.

My no-sex-toy lifestyle has been challenged by the Lawyer’s cock. I know you’re not supposed to bitch unless these things are too small, but I don’t understand why sex with him is prohibitively painful. I have fit larger objects with less fuss. We use enough lube to buy stock. He’s a sadist, sure, but it’s not like ill will is communicable through his penis. (Glitter, on the other hand… )

When I broke down and asked my gynecologist, she suggested that he change his position. “Is he larger?” she asked.

“That’s not the–”

“Does he sit back while you’re having sex? If the penis presses on the perineum, or conversely, on the front wall, it can be very painful.”

I thought about it. “Huh,” I said. “That… well, maybe…”

“Of course he’ll be all ‘Oh, I’m such hot stuff,’ because you’re telling him he has a large penis.”

“Tell me about it,” I said.

This diagnosis was news to me. Pressure isn’t unpleasant on its own. Still, I can’t say the knowledge has fixed things. We proceed gingerly, when we have the patience, and with much lube and wincing otherwise.

Until we figure out how to make intercourse tolerable, I’m going to take my own advice and be creative. And that means… toys! Who knows, maybe it takes three months of painful intercourse to make you really appreciate something friction-free.

Never one to pay money if there could be labor instead, I went sex toy reviewer.

Maymay sent me in the direction of Edenfantasys.com ages ago. I wasn’t sold on them at the time. For one, they’re called “Eden Fantasies” (I refuse to promulgate their egregious spelling error), and my fantasies have more to do with torture and suffering than Eden. For two, their selection process used to be much less exact, meaning May first received a craptacularly useless leather mask and then a masturbator that looked like a headless chicken.

(Can Stockroom have a review program? Aslan Leather? Huse.com?)

They’ve spiffed things up since. The site is easy to navigate, if overwhelmingly pink. They feature silicone and high-end toys, as well as jelly novelties for those who want to test before they invest. And with any luck my new toy will arrive in a couple of weeks, for me to write a proper review.

In the meantime, you can read two reviews of products I already own: the Layaspot vibrator, and my glass dildo.

Posted in vibrator, rough sex, the lawyer, sex toys, reviews, edenfantasys