(Disclaimer: I have nothing against China. Or Bitchy Jones. Colloquially, China is where one ends up when one digs a very deep hole.)

We’re past butterflies and tornados, in my land of kinky pseudo-sociology. Here in New York I fuck a guy in the ass for $200, and in China, a submissive man turns into a sissymaid with a penchant for pussy worship.

I have never been to China, so it could be even worse than I think. Maybe they’re into “full toilet” (or purple showers, or teal, or whatever the color of the week is) and I ought to start repenting before we’re all overrun by bodily fluids.

Today, God help me, we talk about how the pro-doms might not actually be ruining BDSM.

I take such complaints broadly, as “what’s wrong with sexual culture and commercialism”. (I have to — or my ears would shrivel.) The narrowest I’d take it is “what’s wrong with sex work”. (And if you think pro domination isn’t sex work, you can go shove it.)

My friends were concerned for me when I began doing porn. When you do things on film that you wouldn’t normally, they asked, don’t you worry that you’ll be held responsible for it?

And I probably said, Nope! If someone wants to sleep with me they’d better be prepared to ask what I like, and ask nicely.

Most people aren’t worried about how porn hurts the porn star. They’re worried about how porn hurts all the women whose partners watch it. If I can demand consideration and respect — the woman in that video, doing those acts — how much truer must that be for all the other women whose partners watch that video?

But when it comes to selling service topping, whose effects must be less widespread, I’m flabbergasted about the protest. If men aren’t mad that I’m charging for it (like such a service was ever available for free), women are mad that I’m destroying femdom with my pandering ways.

I was still under the impression we were moaning about pornography and prostitution and Sex In The City, misrepresenting our sexuality and appropriating our pleasure. Is that done? Have we moved on now? It’s all about the kink?

The criticism: I’ve messed up your partners. I’ve helped the people (the pornographers, or the advertisers, or the pop-culture-mongerers) who train our youth. I made all the people you want to fuck come out wrong. Like it’s a fucking conspiracy — like everyone started out good, and ended up ruined by deliberate agency.

I am not fucking it up for you. People are fucking it up for themselves by being too dumb. I can tell you exactly what I teach my clients, and it’s not kinky in the least. They have to ask specifically for what they want; they only get it when they pay for it; and they can pay for it from one person — me.

Whyever would I want paying clients to look to other women for sexual satisfaction?

But when a man says “I paid a woman to tell me this (bought a porn/saw an ad online), and so naturally I want it from all people everywhere all the time for free,” we still come with pitchforks and torches for the sex worker.

I understand that the world is confusing, whatever one’s gender, and society’s messages about sex are mixed. But if it were impossible to sort this shit out, we’d be spared this discussion.

I dislike this discussion. My sexuality is a happy place filled with (whipping posts in) fields of sunshine and flowers, and I don’t enjoy feeling cripplingly guilty. I have off-duty kinky sex, too. Except not, when my amorous endeavors create brown-nosed Chinese sissymaids. Mistress Frankenstein and the monster doesn’t do it for me.

There’s good sex. That’s what we’re all trying to have.

Then there’s bad sex. Not unsatisfactory (’cause God knows, no one got up in arms when I was having crappy sex) but politically wrong to have. I must keep high standards, especially as a woman: engaging in only the acts I feel moved to engage in, at the time I choose to engage in them, with an inspiring and compliant partner, and certainly never for monetary gain. Anything less is criminal.

If you go by this recent study, we’ve got a lot of criminals. We’ve replaced procreation with recreation as the only pardonable excuse.

This accusation — that what I do in private, for pleasure, hurts others — has always been too heavy a weight for my girlish shoulders. But rather than laboring under guilt, I think lately it may be the wrong interpretation.

Doing it for money is no different than doing it in any other condition. Which is to say, we all have choice — to do it once, or all the time, or not at all. And the same goes for all the aspects. The thigh-high boots. The heels. The strap-ons. The stupid riding crops.

Men have got to realize that. If they don’t, it’s their loss — and our problem, as the women who’d like to sleep with them — but not our fault.

Sure, it would be nice if sex work helped educate and enact social change (and on sunny days, I think it might) but I could say that of everything I do. People are always going to be selling sex, and people are always going to be buying it. And like it or not, humans are a bunch of kinky motherfuckers.

If you oppose pro-doms, how do you feel about other sex workers? The same? Different? Why?

Are you concerned with sex workers whose representations do not clash with your proclivities?

Posted in young and confused, feminism, pro domination, sex work, service topping, money, shame