Coming On Command
September 15th, 2007As I like to do before I tackle a topic, especially one that’s going to piss people off, I searched to see whether someone had saved me the trouble. And in fact, Andrea Nemerson came very close.
Her take: if you think it’s an orgasm, and you’re both happy, good for you and who are we to tell you otherwise?
But when did perverts ever leave well enough alone? If you were satisfied by Andrea’s answer, go now and rejoice in your sanity. This chat is for everyone else. But mostly, for the fantasy object at hand: would-be-submissive women.
For once, I’m even light on the F/m literature. (Anyone? Anyone? Maymay?) I’ve heard of men having non-ejaculatory orgasms on command, and with my knowledge of the anatomy, far be it for me to say those aren’t real orgasms. But I want orgasms I can see! Squishy white wet orgasms! Besides, the idea of men coming on command has never done much for me. I mean, they pretty much already do.
The dominant men I’ve fucked have shared a fascination with conquering the female orgasm — maybe because it’s not always visible, not squishy and squirty and obvious. At the time I may have called this preoccupation “being an asshole”. Now I’d probably say “having an interest in orgasm control”. I do not need or want my orgasms controlled, but at the time, I put up with it because good submissives did. There was waiting, and doing it quickly and repeatedly, and asking for permission. I usually drew the line at masturbating for my partners. Yes, that’s a very common activity and lots of people enjoy it, but masturbation had always been non-insertive and for my pleasure, and I was not willing to do it in some contrived and inefficient fashion for Mr. Asshole’s pleasure, no, amusement. Not that I resent them or anything.
I met a few couples who claimed that the female submissive partner could come on command. In all cases the demonstration was pleasant: he had her kneel, or counted to ten, or whatever their ritual was, and she gasped and writhed prettily and gave sleepy doe-eyes after the fact.
I tried to give it credence. I probably look like that when I come. I’m constantly accused of faking: I guess I don’t come “right”. (Ironically, the first time I was asked to fake on film, I didn’t know how and the director had to coach me.) Mistress Matisse has a charming, if less charitable, take on the subject.
But back to making your submissive come on command — a submissive who is, surely, not me and who is, hopefully, not faking.
I’ve been there, I’ve done it. Or as Andrea suggests, a debate on the veracity of such a statement would leave us both none the wiser. Here are a couple scenarios:
You’re fucking like beasts and he’s got your hair balled in one hand and a hip in the other, and he says “Come for me,” and you do. I think we’ve all done that, even the not particularly submissive among us. At the time it just seems like a great idea. Is that an orgasm? Gee, thanks, I think I will have another.
Or when you grab the girl and throw her up against the wall, kick her legs apart and start slapping her suddenly-wet cunt, telling her she has sixty seconds to come or she’ll be punished. (I never know what to do in that sort of scenario. Both outcomes sound so good.)
Then there’s the hypnosis idea — or perhaps the Uber-Dominant Mastery Of All Things idea, sans any pretense of science — that one can train a woman to come on command, even in a non-sexual situation. Also the corrolary, that one could train a woman only to come by command, even in a sexual situation. I find this despicable, the height of possessiveness and jealousy embodied in a sexual fantasy. But then again, chastity is so not my kink, and kinks needn’t be politically correct.
The only trouble in any of these is when you try to enforce it. Fantasy doesn’t always translate to reality.
I hate the connotations of ownership in the “training” fantasies. Orgasms are something I do by and for myself. Can’t change biology — sorry! You can’t own them, as much as you would like to, and much as I might like to please you. (Not that I will, ’cause I’m selfish and cold-hearted.)
What’s more, it’s a dangerous delusion. If you think that you can control my orgasms, and I let you think I believe that, we are both gonna get fucked when you fail. What if you make coming on command a symbol of our relationship and the power therein? The first time I fail to come on command, it breaks everything — the structure, your dominance, my submission. I might come to dread those commands because I’m waiting for the time I can’t make it work. I might fake it rather than shatter your fantasy.
I’ve been there, too. I’m done. No more.
And how about “only on command”? The partner with whom I explored this the most had stories of his other partners, women who couldn’t come even years and partners later without his command. My psychic dick, this story said, is so big that no one else will ever be able to measure up. If I can’t have her, she can’t have pleasure.
That just seems icky to me.
Maybe there’s a better understanding to be had of this kink. But until then, you won’t see me exploring this too deeply — except, perhaps, in fantasy roleplay. I like my partners more than I like the idea of orgasm control. And besides, I have very reliable ways to make people come.
September 15th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
And how about “only on command”? The partner with whom I explored this the most had stories of his other partners, women who couldn’t come even years and partners later without his command. My psychic dick, this story said, is so big that no one else will ever be able to measure up. If I can’t have her, she can’t have pleasure.
That just seems icky to you? That seems downright disgusting to me. Yes, please, ruin some woman’s possibility of ever having pleasure without your involvement even after she’s moved on, because you have so much right to fuck her sexual life up after the fact. (Okay, maybe I am reading in to the story. I don’t know.) But I woudn’t consider that something to boast over. I would consider that shameful.
Sorry if I just insulted one of your friends through my reaction to this idea, by the way.
Besides, the idea of men coming on command has never done much for me. I mean, they pretty much already do.
I almost fell out of my chair laughing at this line.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
To be fair, my belief in the power to take away orgasms is about as strong as, oh, my belief in granting them.
It rubbed me very wrong, but I suspect that in real life it was part harmless, self-indulgent fancy to him, part nostalgia for her. That kind of creation, or fiction, has to be a collaborative effort. Who knows? Some people think things like unrequited love and denied pleasure are innately romantic. I’m just not one.
September 16th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Great post. I’ve always found “orgasm control” in women to be kind of…laughable and some men’s obssession with our simple pleasure tiresome.
“I guess I don’t come ‘right’.”
By which standards? Just enjoy yourself.
September 16th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I’ve been playing a lot with this lately. I did a non-physical orgasm on command scene at burning man that repeatably resulted in female ejaculation.
I still don’t know how real these orgasms are, or how they are even possible. Still, the ejaculation would seem to indicate that _something_ is happening.
I’ve experienced a few orgasms without ejaculation myself. I haven’t found a way to reliably replicate the experience. Sometimes they feel more intense that regular orgasms, and sometime I can’t quite tell the difference between the two types.
I still don’t know how or why any of this is remotely possible. I guess I’ve just been luckily in finding talented partners.
Rob
September 16th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I’ve used hypnosis more than once to _____ women have an orgasm. I put the blank in because I’m having trouble thinking of a verb that doesn’t put me in the line of fire of this post. “Make” obviously won’t do, “give” probably isn’t right either…help create? Encourage? Give an excuse for? Anyone who wants to help me out, feel free.
And it sure seems to work, some of the time at least. But then I’ve never tried to make it about control, or training, and don’t want to. I’m just kinked regarding hypnosis and happen to think orgasms (and lots of other things) involving hypnosis are cool. I don’t take it badly if there’s “failure;” (whose failure would it be, anyway? Mine, for being a crappy hypnotist? Hers, for not having absolute control over her body? What a lousy mindset to get into), I just thank her for giving it a shot, and move onto something else fun. I’d much rather have honest failure instead of leaving thinking I have super powers. I’d never even considered trying to prevent someone from having an orgasm in this way, and like Eileen am repulsed at the “incomparable psychic dick” story. I don’t think it would work.
It could be I’ve just been faked out a lot of times, or even every time. I don’t think I have, but, then, I guess that would kind of be the idea. I suppose I could ask you to help answer that for me, but if I can’t trust what someone appears to be experiencing, I don’t see how I can trust what they say about it later. What a sad world.
I don’t think what I’m talking about really has much to do with what you wrote about here except for the surface similarity, at least I hope not; furthering my own selfish interests, let me ask readers of this blog not to automatically lump anyone who might want to hypnotize you into having an orgasm in with…errr….whoever exactly it is Calico is describing. Please? Sorry for the long post.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:33 am
What’s not clear to me, from this post, is why masturbating in front of (or even “for”) a partner has to involve a style change. I masturbate in front of my partner all the time and I don’t do anything different from normal. (And what I normally do does not just happen to look sexy or anything.)
September 17th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Rob - What were you on? No, seriously, can I get some?
Tell ya what, we’ll chat at brunch and you can tell me all about it.
Boston Boy - No apologies for long comments!
I can see how you’d feel in the line of fire here, but hypnosis is another discussion entirely. I dragged it into the ring because what’s really applicable here is a particular *fiction* of hypnosis. The superpower, as you say.
Reality is different but still damn hot. And I fully encourage curious readers to explore it. With you if possible. There.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Devastatingyet - It does when they show up with a dildo and say “Will you put this in your pussy for me?”, but not by default.
I do sometimes masturbate with partners. But my metaphorical knickers get in a knot about performing - i.e. doing it just because they want to see me get off. For good or bad I am all about the selfishness lately.
September 17th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
No problem… I have accumulated blogfuls of stories in the last couple of weeks, though. It may need to be a rather long brunch.
Rob
September 17th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Of the partner with the “psychic dick” - could it also have been possible that the “orgasm control” was not one of his choice… but theirs? I personally believe orgasm control is all in the “victims” mind - if they believe it is a word they need to cum, then the universe will make it so.
Even if the Domly-Dom in question doesn’t want it.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
Boymeat: I’m with you completely. If the “victim” truly believed in it, or wanted it, the results could be pretty powerful. But outside of serious heavy-handed operant conditioning where you really do have your victim tied up in a lab somewhere, I can’t imagine that sort of orgasm control working on someone who in their heart of hearts was set against the idea. Which I’d assume is the case for most people, but what do I know.
Calico: thanks for the seal of approval. If I had a website or ad somewhere I’d be sure to slap that on it somewhere prominent.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
I have made it a point never to fake the cum-on-command. It’s as bad as faking an orgasm during regular sex. It gives the top a false sense of their own power / skill / whatever and cheats me out of what could have been a great experience in and of itself.
The times when it has been real, it happened because I wanted it to and I made it happen for me. Also, the times it has happened has been when I’m pretty damn close already. The command just pushed it over the edge. No one will ever be able to make me cum just by looking into my eyes and telling me to. Sorry. Ain’t going to happen.
And I think there are about a million different kinds of orgasms. There is no right one. The ones I have from a vibe are different from the ones I get from someone eating me out or fucking me or fucking my ass or whatever.
September 17th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
While I have only briefly explored orgasm control through hypnosis, (as the subject), and I am not at present certain if I wish to explore it further, I am certain of one thing. Informed consent. No informed consent, no hypnotic orgasm control. For the Dominant to break trust in this regard would be unconscionable.
For cases where the particular D/s relationship is over and the subject has unwanted suggestions remaining, there are ways that hypnosis can remove the suggestions against cuming. Not only that, but subjects can intentionally block themselves against unwanted hypnotic control beforehand, (though this may of course fly in the face of a D/s contract).
Arafin