Not One Soul
October 25th, 2007When I started this blog in March I told no one about it.
I wanted it to be available to women like me. Sex work was shrouded in mystery, and I couldn’t find information anywhere. What did these porn models really think? All I had were their glossy bios to go on. I had no reason to believe they didn’t share my unease and discontent, and I wanted to know why the hell they were still in the business.
I went about ranting and linking and writing, and have been slowly accumulating Google juice. (So a lot of it is about forced feminization but you can’t have it all.) One of my favorite bloggers just posted that she had gotten 10,000 hits since May. I was simultaneously delighted for her (because she’s brilliant) and horrified. I have gotten 85,000 hits since the beginning of this month. And for what? New jeans and webcam photos of kittens.
Oddly, I only get mail from women who want to be pro-dommes and from men who want to be clients. Where are the women like me? Either they are still scared, or this sort of material isn’t useful. (Maybe it’s so useful they don’t have to write me. Ahaha.)
I do know that present and potential clients, photographers, people who watch my porn, and coworkers (or friends thereof) read this blog. That’s terrifying great, too.
For a long time I didn’t have pro-dom contact info here. But still, in came the mail. A good deal of the reason I pay a cut to work for a dungeon is that, well, I work there. The phone girl handles booking for me. Therefore, I have put my proper contact info up. Use respectfully, mmkay? It would be funny to lose this job over my sex blog, but not that funny.
I did plan to write more than a work blog. It seemed sensible at the time: client privacy prevents me from sharing much of what happens at work. But in hindsight (all eight months of it) I guess it was silly to start a blog called “Dominatrix Next Door” and then wail, “I am more than a dominatrix!” when I am being pounded by hits for sissy-boy bitches and CBT and humiliation by underage dommes in uncomfortable shoes. It may be one of those things that sweeps out the other details with its blinding brightness.
You know how if you meet a guy at a bar and tell him you’re a dominatrix, he won’t remember a single other thing about you? No? Well, er, like that. The rest of it — that you like extra peanuts and chili on your pad thai, or your obsession with cocksucking, or your newfound conviction that school is what you want to do forever and ever amen — won’t even register. Even if they’re personality traits he would otherwise care about, like the pad thai. That’s a discouraging thought.
It’s the thought I fight when my coworkers stay with rotten men because they’re ’so understanding’. Like the way it’s useless for me to think about making intelligent, artistic porn, because no one will look at anything besides the vagina shots. The way all my clients have the opinion that I’m hiding a significant layer. “What do you really do? What’s your day job?” they ask me every day.
Here I can say what it is I really do.
Also, I am whole and worthy of love.
I may do seemingly scary and radical things but I know — I know — that I am a regular girl doing them and they are not so extraordinary. People seem to think BDSM or sex work would lose its power if it were not forbidden. I am here to put the lie to that. My power is in being average.
And maybe, a little in getting out the word.
October 26th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Pad thai is hardly something to remember. Sounds too much like “paddle tie,” words easily confused with business parlance. For that matter, to Americans, most oriental cuisines follow this same suit. Talk about the Pu Pu Platter you had last night and out of context even the Vanilla folk get freaked. And that’s not all. Just think of the euphemisms Mexican food has with its tacos and its burritos.
I think you should take up an interest in Mediterranean cuisine. I don’t think falafels or shakshukas have any second meaning as a euphemism for sexual play.
And of course, this is all a humurous jab at your point to begin with. Or maybe I’m just hankering ‘fer sum’ lunch.
October 26th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
This is about what I deserve for getting all serious and lofty. But you deserve a smacking for your horrible puns.
October 26th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
You get your hits because of the blogs that you are linked with, there are plenty of people like myself that have nothing better to do than check out dreary blogs, after all the markets don’t move all the time but I have to be in front of these screens just in case. The opinions of people who vastly overestimate their worth are always entertaining, although obviously we will be treated to your cat photos or Pad Thai preferences every now and again, rather than more amusing fare.
What I wonder is what kind of reader you are trying to attract? As a pay for play kind of girl, surely you are not about to pass on your trade secrets, (after all Microsoft didn’t become so profitable by sharing that special code). So in that case you must be seeking prospective clients, so what is the problem? If you are just regalling us with your thoughts on life, then that is also fine, but you must expect people to be a little dissapointed if all you can come up with is your quandries over what to do with a client tip!
October 26th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
I expect that someone like me would get the most out of picking my brain. Potential or current sex worker, switch, young, sexually confused or marginalized. Being able to entertain you is just the icing on the cupcake!
There aren’t such exciting trade secrets. Posting them up would be the most boring series I’d ever write.
October 26th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I for one would love to hear the trade secrets, but then again I secretly read the sex advice in fashion magazines because I think it’s entertaining.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:43 pm
And as i mentioned before, I’m just breaking into the biz.
You’re doing the things I think about.
And some of the things you talk about are things I want.
Except, no, I don’t want to be a Pro Domme, TYVM.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Some days I think I don’t want to be a pro-domme, either. If I got to hit people more, I might change my mind.
They do say strippers make more…