Shocked
June 10th, 2007I’m back from the farm. With excellent timing, I waited to get sick until I was climbing into the van to leave. I arrived home congested, feverish and oh-so-grateful the headcold had waited to strike until after all the fun dangling upside down.
Thankfully there were leftovers in the fridge: banana-coconut rice pudding I had made before leaving, and something vaguely Italian. I ate them both. (Mm, mucus.)
Shooting this weekend was intense! I think I am getting a better handle on the way they work. My time alternated between tedium, embarrassment, pain, and flickers of submission — the latter of which surprised me deeply.
We had only one real problem: when PD asked me to take the cattle prod. I am bloody terrified of cattle prods. I consented to let the assistant try it on me off camera, then broke and jumped up when he approached. Unwisely, he followed me; I started to cry, mouthing “no” and backing up. He didn’t notice at once and kept coming and I backed right up behind a wooden post, tears streaming down my face, oh-so-fucking-ready to kick him in the nuts if he came any closer.
He didn’t.
Seriously, what is that? Cane me, singletail me, fuck me in the ass, tie gags so deep I taste gastric acid — but no little zap?
On the one hand, I’m sure it’s fine to have a phobia, and that “no cattle prods” is a really reasonable fucking limit. Despite the fact that everyone I’ve shot with in the last month has seemed to think it wasn’t.
On the other hand — where did that reaction even come from? Come to think of it, I have the same reaction to stun guns. My boyfriend and I played a couple of times with stun guns when we first met, at my request. They have a distinctive sound and smell of ozone, which I found appealingly scary at the time, and they are harmless if run lightly down a leg or tapped to a foot. Now, that sound and smell makes me break out in a cold sweat and feel sick to my stomach.
Twice a client has brought me a cattle prod and I’ve refused to use it on him. That’s how much I dislike the damn things.
I wonder if it’s possible to get over a reaction like this. I also wonder if it’s stupid even to try. I know you all are going to tell me it’s a reasonable fear and I should embrace it as proof that I am sane, but … bah.
Sniffles! I’m off to the store for tissues; the boy will be home from teaching at SELF any minute.
June 10th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
feel better!
June 10th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Chicken soup.
June 11th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Stun guns/cattle prods scare the hell out of me, too. I’m not sure I’m quite as phobic as what you describe, but having experienced a stun gun on a very small scale (at the hands of your boyfriend, in fact), I’m not any less afraid of them… and I’m one of those who think being beaten till I can’t stand up is a good time. Go figure.
Casey
March 4th, at 12:30 pm
I know how it feels to be shocked by one’s reaction to something, though not cattle prods in particular. I mean hell, my girlfriend’s parents, even are placeholders in the S&M world. I’m not exactly sheltered in all this, and yet sometimes she’ll do something that has been perfectly fine or even enjoyable, and I’ll just break down in a panic attack. I don’t entirely get it, either.
There was also another time where I was roleplaying recently and something scared the shit out of me. I’ll have to look up exactly what it was, but I remember being very confused as to why it did that. (I’m also very lucky that mt partner was able to tell my distress wasn’t like it had been before.)
Huh… It was something completely out of context. He had a look on his face that for some reason felt ike a look someone else used to have, even when it was completely different, and I freaked. Strangest thing, because he didn’t mean it like that at all, and my mind just short cirquited or something.
There’ve been other times when this happens, too. If you ever happen to figure out what it is, care to post about it? I could use to figure this one out.
~Sarina~