Question and Answer
January 8th,or, Why Kink Should Have Me On Salary.
Mona left a comment on a previous post of mine, The Internet Is For (Sharing) Porn. My reply got lengthy, so rather than reply in comments, I wanted to post it here.
Mona writes:
Calico,
The stuff on kink.com disturbs me to no end. I understand that sex work need not always be grounded in abuse or desperation, but can rather be a conscious life-style choice; however, there are gray areas of every shade in between.
I stumbled over your blog when I was researching exactly these gray areas. Now your scenes were not abusive, you clearly state so in the blog. On the other hand, a simple pat on the back of the head can be very demeaning and, in a sexual context, therefore abuse.
I cannot imagine that the short interview in the trailer was the whole negotiation for the heavy stuff you did. With whom did you negotiate? Only with the dom, director, or with both? Did one of the parties reject a proposal of the other parties? How detailed were these heavy scenes negotiated? Any surprises left open? Any negotiations between cuts? While you were tied up?
Hi Mona,
I hope my blog helps you clear up some of those “grey areas” in sex work. I assume you mean where sex work is not a choice made with free will. I’m afraid I’m not in one of those situations, and couldn’t tell you anything about trafficking or coercion I haven’t heard secondhand or read from a book. I’ve never been abused or desperate. To my coworkers and I, sex work isn’t a “life-style choice”; it’s just another job. We picked it for its benefits and if we leave, we try to give two week’s notice.
Asking me about sex workers in abusive situations … you might as well ask me about hate crime, or child labor. I am concerned about it, but I don’t have personal experience. I suggest asking the lovely people at the New York Sex Worker Project. Trafficking is horrid, not because it’s sex work, but because it’s immoral to force disadvantaged people to do things against their will.
No one talked me into porn. There are many prettier, curvier and more nubile women than me trying to get into it! Without exception, I have solicited my work. I’ve usually taken time off a full-time job to shoot it.
But back to the topic at hand. You know my scenes were not abusive, so perhaps I can elucidate without belaboring.
Often when people question that consensuality of BDSM, they’re expressing disbelief that anyone could like and ask for it. I say unto you: tastes vary. I have been doing sex work for about three years now and I have gotten unguarded glimpses into hundreds of bedrooms across the world. Sex does not look like you think it does. Deviance is a cultural creation. Whatever evokes a strong feeling is bound to be someone’s heated fantasy. The odd, the whimsical, the offbeat and the bizarre are all to someone wildly erotic. Of course I used to think I was strange, but now I realize that even if I were not one of thousands with similar tastes, I’d still have a healthy sexuality.
Likewise, when people hear “negotiation” used in BDSM, they assume it’s a cut-throat bargaining process, where one party tries to trick the unwilling into sordid and objectionable deeds. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Keep in mind, I picked these companies to work with because their work represents the sort of sex I enjoy! I’m eager to do everything they’ll let me, and some they can’t show on camera. “Negotiation” is a conversation about the technicalities. You ate breakfast, would you like a snack or a drink before makeup? What size ball gag can we comfortably use? Do your elbows touch? Would you rather leave your nipple piercings in, or take them out? We’ll chat about our respective likes and dislikes. Perhaps we’ll lay out the toys while we discuss the different ties and scenarios.
When I’m eager and willing, there’s nothing they could want that I’m not happy to give. (Conversely, if I weren’t truly happy to give it, they wouldn’t want it of me.) It would be useless, nay, silly to trick or surprise me. The sorts of things they ask when I’m tied are “Are you all right?” “Five more minutes?” “Can you feel your hands?” BDSM isn’t coercive or evil. It’s just meant to look that way on film because we find that sort of role-play hot.
I can stop the action or walk out at any time. But I went to all this trouble to get paid for fantastic sex — why would I want to be anywhere else? When I had a cold once and couldn’t breathe, I used my safeword, and my top jumped to without hesitation. All the rest of the apparent suffering is what I love to hate.
In short, what you see on Kink is a fantasy presentation.
I hope that helps answer your questions, Mona.
all the best,
Calico
January 8th, at 10:34 am
Sounds to me like mona has more of a problem with BDSM and kink than with porn to begin with.
FWIW, the stuff you occasionally post links to is always hot
January 8th, at 10:40 am
Oh, and I think a simple pat on the back of the head from the right person, in the right context is one of the hottest things ever.
So, maybe I’m a little twisted *grin* or maybe it isn’t me that’s twisted at all?
January 8th, at 12:12 pm
One of the reasons Kink.com, in particular fascinates me so is because of the consistently positive reports I hear about them about exactly this: they film hot BDSM sex, but they seemingly do so in much the same way I would have hot BDSM sex with Eileen. Which is what I say when they seem to be “more real” than the work of other site’s I’ve seen.
January 8th, at 1:50 pm
You’re a really good writer.
January 8th, at 9:28 pm
a simple pat on the back of the head can be very demeaning and, in a sexual context, therefore abuse.
Some of us like to be demeaned during sex. Is it still abuse if I had to request, instruct, explain, demonstrate, demand and even beg my partner repeatedly to do the thing that turns me on?
*laugh*
January 8th, at 9:38 pm
I don’t usually pick up these arguments because they’re self-perpetuating. If only women brainwashed by the patriarchy (or desperate, or crazy) would do such-and-such, I can’t argue my way out of that box. But it seemed like an honest question.
January 9th, at 12:50 am
Its interesting how people tend to lump topic A under the heading that All things must relate with no nuances.
I am reminded of the lady who was in a class i gave on SM recently as part of a weekend sex self discovery at a local sex group retreat.
When i described sensations that toys like whips and floggers make in terms of thud and sting her response was to try to start a fight by challenging me to define all of this as Actually hitting a person with the emphasis on hitting as in assault.
I was able to defuse her by steering the conversation by admitting to the fact you were hitting someone! after all how are you going to create the sensations and in a controlled manner and not to hurt them in a debilitating fashion.
Having to deal with the forgone conclusion in her thought process was very unnerving.
January 9th, at 9:20 am
Calico, I think this is the best post you’ve ever written. My own redheaded temper went up when I read the original email that you’re responding to (notably, the “pat on the head could be abuse” line), but you responded calmly, intelligently, and informatively. You gave facts about how the process works, but also shared your own feelings and opinions on the matter. And that is how you make a point - and how you change minds. Well done!
January 9th, at 1:58 pm
Dov,
You’re nicer than me.
I would have asked her to leave the class and had her escorted out by security if she refused!
January 10th, at 10:02 am
this is really fantastic. I know where I’m directing everyone who comes to me with similar concerns/questions from now on.
January 10th, at 10:59 am
In Mona’s final paragraph she asked about the negotiation involved before and during the shoots. Now Mona probably doesn’t have a sexually induced research mode setting. Luckily I do, and I am willing to share.
I’d recommend that she poke about the http://www.behindkink.com video archive. I’ve rather enjoyed the behindkink videos because they’re titillating and interesting. I seem to recall that the shoot entitled A Mistake is Made (Mar 28, 2006) was pretty interesting regarding initial negotiation stuff, and A New Director Arrives (Mar 26, 2006) has a bunch of checking in between the director and models.
If Mona finds the video ‘disturbing’ as opposed to enjoyable as I do, then I’d suggest she least take a look at some of the kink company documentation regarding shooting rules and model rights.
http://kink.com/shootingrules.php
http://kink.com/modelrights.php
January 12th, at 7:12 pm
Calico,
Many thanks for the answer and your time. You showed more patience than I would have in your shoes. I think I now owe you an explanation what I made out of it - be warned though, it is a bit convoluted and anti-climatic, but, so is life.
Regarding the abuse discourse: I only wanted to give a hint on what tangent I was touching the BDSM realm. I live in a country where sex work is regulated and legal, your attitude towards it is completely consistent with what I managed to gather locally about this line of work: For most participants it is a regular job, many even enjoy it and have their professional pride in it in the same way as a salaried cook can enjoy and be proud of an exceptional meal that is not meant for her. For others its like canning fish in a factory: it stinks and barely pays the rent. I have long learned to take ‘it is OK’ at face value and to not question it any further unless explicitly invited to - please be asured that I am not trying to overstep any boundaries here.
Now to the kinky stuff. Normally I do not react to pron. I regard it like I regard pro-wrestling: it is faked and the audience is where the really interesting things happens, so, if at all, I am analyzing them, not the action or actors/models. Of course, raincoaters a much less accessible bunch than the fans of Batista, I am a bit scant of insights here.
But these particular movies crawled under my skin somehow. My subconscious has been a reliable companion so far (not necessarily during puberty), I listen when it flashes the red lights. Simply saying: its pron! its faked! would not do it.
That is why I was so glad when I stumbled over your blog (Hey, she’s really knows something about BDSM! she’s sane! she’s nice! bright! sincere and does not feed bullshit like shnorkeldicks or loony). And when I learned that you even acted in one the movies the plan was simple: Ask nicely about the missing parts that made your experience of this particular situation bearable/OK/enjoyable but made it a bad trip for me, interpolate them where they cut them out, present that to ID and when I hear those comforting bubbling noises, ask it why I was watching BDSM pron after all and otherwise feel very smug about what an enlightened sophisticate I am.
When I reflected over your answers, I recognized that the missing parts were not the tropes of a canonical BDSM play: the negotiation and all the other comfort signals during play you so nicely explained, but something different and entirely on my side. I put you in the thankless position of a painter trying to explain her art to a layperson that has no clue about composition, forms, styles and technique: Hm, I think about the theme and then put paint on the canvas in a kinda systematic way and when I want the mood of a person to be ambivalent, use sfumato and, ah, remember, shadows have color.
Please allow me to smile sheeplishly at this point and you can roll your eyes - But at that time I was putting too much speculation on assumption and hypothesis and simply had to ask around in order to get a reality check and wrap my inference chains around some contingent propositions.
You see, I do not practice BDSM and even tough I am an Atheist, my fornification stays safely within the bounds set by the Catholics. When Analytic Philosophy graduated from investigating the words “is” (Frege) and “the” (Russel) to proper concept nouns like “Consent”, “Compromise”, “Coercion”, “Abuse”, “Torture”, “Public Opinion”, and “Social Conventions”, I was pointed to the kinksters because at least the ones who have not lost life or limb over a longer period must have sorted that out somehow. In this line of investigation, I became fascinated by the notion that there are even sane ones (yes, I was very ignorant back then) and wanted to know what possibly could made them tick. So I waded through the accessible standard literature (Brame, Steele, Miller - back then, there was not that much around as it is today) and it all made sense (Oh, they are after the endorphines! locus of control and power transfer! Phallic Woman! Mindfucks! Of course, male sexuality is conditionable, hence fetishistic!). All in all, as long as I can sort out the psychos, clowns and a**holes from the cool ones (as one must be able to to with any other social group), I am comfortable with sane BDSMers in whatever profession I might possibly meet them - heck, the ones I could befriend could even watch my childs (this is circular logic. But I hope you get the meaning).
But this was mere formal reasoning, I was combining concepts into cogent structures (Ok, so we have mechanisms B/D, D/s and S/m, let’s form the product space and look how neat all these combinations sort out! We can make a table and list what points each contraption and situation touches and can detect disriminating items. Why can’t vanilla sex be so tidy?) but I completely missed out on emphatizing. When reading about whipping, the operative words were “massage” and “endorphines”, I was only looking on static poses, no sounds. I leaved over nipple clamps. Never saw pinched genitalia. I looked at bondage photos in the books, but when I reach back in my memories, seldom imagined myself bound, and if at all, only with wrists tied in front, so I could always hide my face and/or run away (this is important, ask a police officer). Never simulated D/s (well, would freaking out boyfriends count? Look what I found in your secret stash! You would like me to strike such a pose? Naked? Wiggle my behind? Even or odd meter? Andante or Lento? Shall I touch myself? whole hand or just a finger? You still going when I blow a fart? Standard routine to get the smut out of the house. A girlfried showed me how to act that out convincingly - I think she is kinky).
And of course, I never simulated combinations of kinks, penetrations, constantly switched heads and applied dream-logic: at the slightest imperceptible tinge of discomfort, persons, situations, locations, contraptions changed, morphed and vanished. I even controlled the weather.
So when I met with this stuff, which I take from various posts is pretty close to BDSM reality (hopefully the extreme end), that has its own pacing set by the sub and the cutter, where the full spectrum of whipping, caning (caning!) immobilizing bondage, gags + drooling (this must have someting to do with loosing control over bodily functions: I do not remember any photo with drooling) penetrations, dominating and whatnot was emitted, some ugly reptiles stirred up the dark waters of ID. Naturally. This all is just not my thing. And on so many levels not my thing.
Now, what did I learn from this exchange: Contrary to my original assumptions, I have no operative understanding of BDSM and I am not at all comfortable with the more intense parts of it. But I still understand enough to be comfortable with people that practice BDSM (SSC, of course). The professional indifference stated above still holds: OK in whatever profession and kinky friends can watch childs. I have increased my knowledge about my non-knowlege. Hermeneutically, this is as valuable as direct insight. I sharpened some of my perception.
I do not know what is your gain. You already knew that we vanillas do not get BDSM in a much more sophisticated way than I will ever be able to, don’t you?
January 14th, at 6:09 pm
huh?