Positive Pain: When BDSM is “Nonsexual”
August 22nd,In our last discussion we defined self-harm (negative pain) and masochism (sexual, aka positive, pain) but we had no way to talk about positive non-sexual pain. I think there is such a thing, but it’s very vague to me: something about energy pulls or long-distance running, rituals and ordeals.
Both Subversive Sub and Anon left comments about their continued experience of positive pain, sometimes through deliberate BDSM and sometimes through controlled, guiltless experiences of self injury. I’d love to find a label for it.
My title is misleading, though, because what “positive pain” isn’t to me is “nonsexual BDSM”. Nonsexual BDSM would be like nonsexual sex: you can have sex because you’re desperate or drunk or lonely, but it’s still sex, even if it isn’t sexy.
So when we’re talking about BDSM activities that don’t (appear to) arouse, done for a reason that is not (overtly) sexual, I’m not sure if that’s the same as nonsexual positive pain. I mean, is it also nonsexual to your partner? Entirely? Always? Do you do it with your clothes on? I am deeply suspicious of this “nonsexual” label. Maybe you don’t rub naughty bits and maybe your naughty bits don’t get hard/wet but if it looks like the rest of the sex you have, it probably is.
Which is not to knock the incredible benefits of sex, or BDSM.
But BDSM is defined by intent. So if you don’t do the BDSM stuff for sex it’s not BDSM stuff — right? Unless it really is for sex and you just say it’s not for sex. But then who’s to really tell you that you’re wrong? God I’m confused.
I still doubt (per some anti-BDSM arguments) that BDSM encourages self-injurers by providing them an outlet. Seriously, this shit is weird. I can’t imagine anyone choosing to do BDSM for self-injury purposes if they or their partner weren’t at least a little into it. Maybe, maybe I could see finding a partner’s sadism a convenient outlet. But choosing it? Seeking it out? Introducing it as a sexual — not therapeutic, sexual — practice to a new partner? When you weren’t the least little bit into it except as an outlet? Nuh-uh.
Anon had a great comment, which I want to share in its entirety. (Really, all the comments were brilliant.)
I’ve wrestled with the self injury vs. masochism quandary myself for some time, and I think the difference can be very hazy. Is it self-injury if it makes you feel bad and masochism if it makes you feel good? Is it self-injury if you do it *because* you feel bad and masochism if you do it because you feel good? Is it self-injury if you do it for the soothing/calming/focusing effect and masochism if you do it because it turns you on? Is it self-injury if you do it yourself and masochism if somebody else does it for you? I don’t know. …
I’ve done it because I was angry, because I was hurt, because I felt helpless or hopeless or lonely or bored… or horny… or just craving pain. I experience a distinct need for pain sometimes, just like the craving for food or drink or sleep or sex. I’ve always found my self-applied pain to be soothing, downright pleasant, and sometimes but not always sexually arousing. Sometimes it starts out as a relief valve and turns into sex. I don’t have an easy way to distinguish between the times when what I do is self-injury and the times when it’s masochism. I don’t feel bad about myself for doing it. I sometimes feel the desire to hide the marks from people, but only because I don’t want to scare them/endure their pity or concern or judgement. I don’t feel guilty about the things I do.
I also bottom to other people, sometimes very hard. I do this for a myriad of reasons, and the times when I bottom the hardest are often the times when I need emotional release–I’m angry, hurt, helpless, hopeless, yadda yadda. The pain and screaming and crying feel good to me. I feel better afterward. Most times, the kinds of pain that make me feel sexually aroused are less intense than those heavy beatings: a little nipple torture, some clothespins, a few needles. I’m more apt to be sexually aroused by domination than by pain. Does all this make my heavy bottoming into something dirty or deceitful or wrong? I don’t really think so… do you?
No, I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I recognize myself, my friends and my clients in your descriptions. I don’t understand why, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
A while back I found a study examining the varied reasons we have sex. More of my anthropological geekiness: I’ve had it kicking around because I thought it was so fascinating. Our motivations go so much farther than being horny or being in love. I wonder if anyone said “because I wanted to be hurt”?
August 23rd, at 4:14 am
Fascinating thoughts as always Calico, and confusing as well. But then, most interesting things are confusing I think.
I’ve watched the discussion on the previous entry, as well as your thoughts here. Everyone’s thoughts have helped me deal with my own struggles with self-harm and my (relatively) new interest in BDSM. The notion of “positive pain” really helped to frame my thoughts.
First, I tried to tease apart the difference between positive pain and self-harm. Fundamentally, they seem identical: both involve hurting myself because, to quote Anon, “I felt helpless or hopeless or lonely or bored… or horny… or just craving pain.” I think the difference my lie in the self-perception, and the implications it has. For example, perhaps self-harm is bad not because I cut my skin, or burn my arm, but because, after the moment of release, I feel bad about myself. That makes me feel more lonely or depressed or helpless or whatever, and makes me more likely to do it again, with greater violence. (Let’s hear it for positive feedback loops!) Positive pain has the same act, cutting or burning for example, but without the self-disgust. I would feel the moment of release, and that would be it. Perhaps self-harm is merely a social construct, it’s bad for us because society makes us feel bad for doing it.
On the other hand, perhaps society has a good reason for thinking self-harm is bad. It might be addicting. I’ve certainly gotten that message over the years, but I don’t have any proof that it’s true. It might be that the danger lies in it becoming the sole coping mechanism for dealing with my internal pain, and that by using it, I don’t explore or try other ways of dealing with my problems.
Honestly, I don’t know what to think. I do think that shame and self-disgust aren’t good ways of preventing any behavior. So, if I’m going to cut or burn myself, I might as well stop worrying about it, and just try to be sure I have other ways of coping as well.
While I was trying to tease apart where my interests lie, BDSM, positive pain, or self-harm, I tried this scenario out. I imagined I had an electrode in my head, and when I pushed a button on a control, it directly stimulated a pain center.
Would pressing that button provide the same catharsis as cutting my wrist? For me, I think the answer is no, but I don’t know why. Is there something symbolic about actually destroying my body that’s more important than the pain? It’s about here that my thoughts run into a brick wall. Similarly, if I give the control to a dominatrix, and ask them to use it, is that BDSM? Would I enjoy that as much as being whipped? What if they didn’t have to be with me for the button to work? Does it matter if I push the button, if someone else does, or if I let a computer do it? I wish I had better answers than I do, I’d probably understand myself better if I did.
Anon may have hit the root of the question when he or she asked, “Is it self injury if you can’t control it and masochism if you can?” My worry is, how can you tell you can’t control it before it’s too late?
Sorry I’ve rambled on for so long. As I said, I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and finally worked up the courage (stupidity?) to share my thoughts with everyone here.
August 23rd, at 7:26 am
I think you’re missing some of the reasons why people might engage in a SM scene - it’s not always sexual in intent. Catharsis is one great example of that. So is spirituality - think hook pulls and the like.
August 23rd, at 11:22 am
I think that most people who use physical pain to break through mental/emotional suffering self-inflict it; that is, they don’t do it with a partner. In my mind, there are two factors that make this distinct from BDSM: (1) the person is self-inflicting the pain, not receiving it from another; and (2) the person is not sexually aroused by the pain or using it as a form of masturbation (or in combination with masturbation).
I wonder how many people who self-inflict pain are masochists as well; I suspect that there are a good many who don’t ever get sexual pleasure from their pain. (And of course, there are all of those people who are more focused on *injuring* themselves out of guilt, or who just like to watch scars heal, and don’t see the pain itself as a means to an end at all. This is why I distinguish “self-injury” from “self-inflicted pain”)
That said, I also think there are cases in which a person can also receive pain from another without it being SM. Boymeat just mentioned hook pulls (and I’d add suspensions and ritual piercing or branding), which are often used for religious purposes or simply to achieve an altered state of consciousness. My partner sometimes uses pain to calm me down when I’m having a panic attack, much in the same way that most people would use cuddling, rocking, or petting. In these cases, it’s not at all sexual; it’s therapeutic. It’s the sort of thing that I would ask any willing partner to do for me, regardless of his sexual inclinations.
On the other hand, because it happens that my partner *is* a sadist and I *am* a masochist, I’ve also had “therapeutic” pain from my partner turn into sexual pain…
August 25th, at 10:42 am
I guess it depends on if you group service into BDSM. If you do, then it’s clear to me that there’s non-sexual BDSM. If you don’t, I’m less sure. Either way, I think there’s a strong dimension of service, and I think it does not have to be sexualized to be rewarding.
Maybe it doesn’t work that way for everybody, or most people. I know there are people who find service sexually hot. But there are also people who find service to be rewarding in any context. Some join the military, some volunteer.
September 1st, at 10:41 am
In my short time in the world of BDSM I have engaged in more catharsis than I care to admit. It has helped me more than anything else. I have also played with non-sexual pain as well as self-harm.
Feel free to pick my brain if you are interested.