Masochism vs. Self Injury
August 8th,I had an excellent reader question: if or how masochism and self-injury are related. These two are often compared, and often to my annoyance. We all know Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character in “Secretary”, a self-injurer who cuts her thighs until she finds BDSM and James Spader.
“It’s like whiskey and bourbon,” my sister said when she called in the middle of this piece. I had to take a moment to think (mm, whiskey) but we quickly cleared up the semantic misunderstanding: self-injury is not masochism, or any subset thereof. Masochism and self-injury are as unrelated as BDSM and abuse.
Masochism, I can tell you lots about. But I am not a self-injurer or a psychologist, so for a definition, I went to Wikipedia (emphasis mine):
As well as defining self-harm in terms of the act of damaging one’s own body, it may be more accurate to define self-harm in terms of the intent, and the emotional distress that the person is attempting to deal with.[15]
Yesss. Right there. Self harm and masochism may both involve the act of damaging one’s own body, but the intent is radically different.
Because this topic is clearly not large enough, I’d like to talk about self-harm first in terms of body modification. Body mod is one of my fascinations, probably the nearest thing I have to a fetish. I’ve held off successfully on tattoos, but I have eleven permanent piercings, and on the overtly sexual side I enjoy a host of invasive activities that the pro-dom community politely files under “medical”.
These activities are fun for me. (Self-harm is not fun. Necessary, maybe; but not fun.) I feel that they are a healthy sexual expression. (Self-harm is not sexual, and most people who self-harm realize that it’s unhealthy.) Yet many of the activities I enjoy — cutting, scratching, piercing, burning — can be done in terms of self-harm.
Sometimes, I do think people seek “healthy” and “legitimate” outlets for self-harming behaviors. I’ve thought at least one of my clients wanted punishment from me, and not in a remotely fun way. BMEZine and especially BME/Hard are great for continual spats over how modifications can be sorted (if at all) from self injury; and whether modifications, even professional ones, obtained in a suspected or admittedly self-injurious spirit are “true” modifications and ought to be recognized or featured on the site.
When intent is internal, who’s to judge? Really, I need a LOLpenis for such lofty statements, that I may inscribe “wank wank wank” across the bottom.
The debate gets murky around extreme genital modification. Even psychologists don’t seem to know a lot about what drives people to do subincisions, bisection, castration, even genital nullification. Where intent is unclear or unstated, or the person doesn’t seem aware of it, it’s difficult or impossible for us to judge. Sexual problems or sexual preferences? Mutilation, or modification?
The same debates about intent can apply to BDSM.
Usually when people ask me about masochism and self-harm, they feel guilty about normal BDSM activities. They don’t understand their intent and they are deeply concerned about it. (Sometimes they’re questioning my intent, but that comes out more like “Lying un-feminist whore! You’re brainwashed by the patriarchy and you only think you have agency!”, into which we shall not presently delve.)
I think it’s hard to see intent when it’s sexualized. So many of us take sexual desire for granted that we fail to acknowledge that there is any intent. And we get so much out of sex that when the benefit goes unacknowledged, the desire for unusual sexual practices can seem like the problem rather than their lack of fulfilment. I.e.: We all understand crankiness about not getting laid, but crankiness about not getting to kick a man in the balls can seem a little crazy.
Many masochists enjoy self-play, too, where they inflict pain on themselves. Flogging, clamps, CBT, solo bondage, temperature, and chemicals are just a few I’ve heard. To an uninformed observer, the activities and secrecy could look just like self-harm. But self-play is masturbation: hot, healthy, and normal.
Can sadomasochistic activities serve as outlets for depression, anxiety, and self-injurious urges? Sure. So could ice cream, red wine, massage (rolfing, anyone?), and exercise.
Ultimately, the only person who knows if you’re self-harming is you — unless you desperately lack self-awareness, which is a fixable situation. If you or your friends are worried, I encourage you to read up on both BDSM and self-harm or talk to a therapist.
August 8th, at 1:55 pm
I’ll chime in on this one, as someone who has lived with both.
I had this exceptionally horrific childhood, and I resorted to self-injury often. I have got *plenty* of scars. I used to be embarassed about them. Now, they’re a part of me, and a very healthy reminder of how drastically things have changed - for the better.
Pain in a masochistic context (i.e., safe, controlled, and like you’ve said, sexually oriented) is a pretty pure path towards pleasure. Pleasure.
Pain in a self-injury context (at least for me) was always at least a little reckless, bittersweet (not in the good way - the only sweetness came from having done terrible, harmful things to myself, not from joy, or pleasure, or love), and intended to lessen or redirect my misery.
Another way I can look back and differentiate (because I did engage in truly masochistic activities in that same time, like clothespin on my labia, pinching my inner thighs while trying to get off, etc) is that I never felt the least bit of guilt for the pain I inflicted on myself when I was trying to get off. The pain I caused myself for other reasons? Caused me so much guilt that I’d hit up the razor again. And again.
It never crossed my mind to try and label what I was doing to myself. I was a stupid teenager. I did hide both, though, simply because masturbation is BAD. and EVIL. and only HARLOTS!! masturbate. That, and I’d have gotten in genuine trouble for masturbating.
August 8th, at 1:58 pm
Doh! Forgot a point.
As far as I’m concerned, the relationship between the two ends on a biochemical level. Whatever mechanism allows masochists to enjoy pain may also be common to those who harm themselves. *MAY*
August 8th, at 4:17 pm
I’ve wrestled with BDSM and self injury and what if anything they have to do with each other for years, and I agree, the intent behind the actions are completely different.
I was a self injurer for over ten years. I started when I was about 8 years old, very simply, with picking scabs and popping things and making cuts bigger. Then I started cutting, and after *that* I started doing things like banging my head on the walls, punching my ankles (which was supremely stupid, considering I had weak injury prone ankles to begin with) and so on.
I did it for a variety of reasons. It made me feel when I couldn’t. I also thought I deserved it, that I was wrong and bad and fucked up and that I deserved to have the ugliness inside of me on the outside. This had nothing to do with kink, btw. I was severely depressed at the time, and in desperate need of help and medication, but I was unable to reach out in a constructive way.
It took me a long time to differentiate between certain parts of kink that I like and and self injury, especially because I’m constantly worried about triggers. So far, there have been none, specifically because of the difference in the intent of an action - I know most people into say, cuttings are probably not into them for the same reason I felt I needed to injure myself.
Can self injury be realized through BDSM? I’m sure. But I think situations like that are rare. There is a huge difference between what I do and how I feel when I bottom than there was when I injured myself. I didn’t hurt myself because I was unconsciously desirous of kink, I hurt myself because I was hurting.
August 9th, at 6:55 am
I’m glad you’re addressing this issue, but I have nothing to add to the main point. I just wanted to say, your post made me laugh twice (I know, this is serious, not funny! Oops!), and now I really want to see a LOLpenis icon like you described.
August 10th, at 7:45 am
Ive attempted this differentiation amongst friends on many occasions based on their reactions to the choices I make in my personal and professional lives…but to really sit down and sort if out, I hadnt done and now I dont have to!
I will definitely be directing people this way for clarification. Well done!
August 10th, at 10:51 am
Xtine, thank you so much for chiming in! Without experience I am just grasping at academic straws. And you talk about it with such clarity.
I sincerely doubt you were a stupid teenager.
I do know masochists who self-injure, but none closely. I didn’t mention it at all because I didn’t want ten more people piling on saying “Yeah, all the submissives I know are fucked in the head too” and that sort of guaranteed-to-be-skewed observation passed off as empirical evidence just KILLS me.
I do wonder about, but don’t actually suspect, a biochemical link. Masochists vary so widely — from the ones who feel pain directly as pleasure, to the ones who hate pain but like having been hurt, to the ones who hate the whole process and aftermath but need to do that, specifically, to be satisfied.
August 10th, at 12:18 pm
Hi Calico,
This is something I struggled with for a long time. What bothers me about Secretary is that it shows masochism as a healthier substitution for self harm; when Lee starts playing with Mr. Grey, she is able to give up her little cutting kit. While hurting yourself to relieve pain is bad, it seems to say, letting someone else hurt you within a monogamous, intimate, erotic relationship is okay. Mr. Grey “cures” her.
What BDSM did for me (as someone who has practiced self-cutting and burning since adolescence) was to show me that it’s not bad to use pain to alter your emotional states. BDSM took away the guilt and self-hatred that I associated with the practice. I’m pretty happy these days, so there are relatively few times in which I self-inflict pain to break out of depression or to calm myself down during an anxiety attack, but now when I do, I do so out of self-love and care. I do so because I recognize it as a sort of self-prescribed therapy, as a practice far preferable (for me) to popping a pill.
So for me, the problem is not so much the association of masochism with self-inflicted pain, but the assumption that anyone who self-inflicts pain needs to be cured of that vice, that the action itself is inherently harmful and stunts emotional growth. If more people accepted that pain could be used in positive ways, we would have more constructive ways of dealing with people who self-injure in a dangerous manner; instead of telling people to cut it out completely, we could help them figure out ways to hurt themselves without seriously risking their physical health. Hell, I think we’d see a lot less condemnation of BDSM as well, were that the case…
August 11th, at 1:47 pm
I wrote a response- and linked it above.
August 11th, at 4:04 pm
While I did attempt self CBT a time or two in my early exploration of BDSM, I found it’s like trying to tickle myself.
This doesn’t mean I’m not fucked in the head however.
August 11th, at 4:23 pm
Very insightful. I had trouble with self-harm when I was younger, and I think that’s exactly one of the semantic points that makes it different from masochism: one doesn’t say one has a problem with their masochistic tendencies, unless she’s not comfortable with her sexuality.
Also, the idea of a LOLpenis made me giggle.
August 11th, at 7:30 pm
calico, this is impressively articulate and nuanced and i can’t wait to point a few of my perturbed, guilt-ridden and/or sanctimonious exes over to this entry.
especially the point about ice cream and rolfing - brings to mind the broader debate about sex work and experiences of childhood abuse and neglect. have some sex workers had these experiences? absolutely. but have we had them in any greater frequency than the general population? i’d say not. and how patronizing of them to ask.
it’s simply when we choose to participate in sexual expressions that deviate from prescriptive normative behavior, we often find ourselves pathologized. i.e., “you *must* be fucked up if you get off on pain or humiliation. or if you choose to do sex work. or be gender variant. etc. etc. etc.”
and of course it often comes from those who have limited or no lived history on which to base their diagnoses. or partners or friends who feel the need to express their jealousy by demeaning our clients. or folks who have their own subjugated desires about which they’ve been taught to feel very, very naughty.
at any rate, i could rant on forever. but, well-done, darling. will i see you at the know your rights training?
August 11th, at 10:32 pm
“Secretary” bothered me because it seemed, superficially, to be implying that BDSM was, if not an alternate for self harm, a happy substitute. I’m no psychologist, but I knew a number of self injurers very well and that rings false to me.
I suspect the link the film was trying to draw was that the self injury became unnecessary because she found something that she FELT deeply about.
I’d never attempt to say what is true for another, but I can speak for myself… for me BDSM has nothing to do with the issues that cause self injury: if anything, I can do what I do in SM play because it’s not something I ‘need’ in order to feel.
Great post, dear.
August 12th, at 8:15 am
I’ve wrestled with the self injury vs. masochism quandary myself for some time, and I think the difference can be very hazy. Is it self-injury if it makes you feel bad and masochism if it makes you feel good? Is it self-injury if you do it *because* you feel bad and masochism if you do it because you feel good? Is it self-injury if you do it for the soothing/calming/focusing effect and masochism if you do it because it turns you on? Is it self-injury if you do it yourself and masochism if somebody else does it for you? I don’t know. I’ve applied pain to myself many times, from childhood into the present: cutting, burning, piercing, picking, plucking, head banging, punching my own chest, hitting myself with floggers and canes; exercising till I fell down; blasting loud angry music till I was exhausted… and more. I’ve done it because I was angry, because I was hurt, because I felt helpless or hopeless or lonely or bored… or horny… or just craving pain. I experience a distinct need for pain sometimes, just like the craving for food or drink or sleep or sex. I’ve always found my self-applied pain to be soothing, downright pleasant, and sometimes but not always sexually arousing. Sometimes it starts out as a relief valve and turns into sex. I don’t have an easy way to distinguish between the times when what I do is self-injury and the times when it’s masochism. I don’t feel bad about myself for doing it. I sometimes feel the desire to hide the marks from people, but only because I don’t want to scare them/endure their pity or concern or judgement. I don’t feel guilty about the things I do.
I also bottom to other people, sometimes very hard. I do this for a myriad of reasons, and the times when I bottom the hardest are often the times when I need emotional release–I’m angry, hurt, helpless, hopeless, yadda yadda. The pain and screaming and crying feel good to me. I feel better afterward. Most times, the kinds of pain that make me feel sexually aroused are less intense than those heavy beatings: a little nipple torture, some clothespins, a few needles. I’m more apt to be sexually aroused by domination than by pain. Does all this make my heavy bottoming into something dirty or deceitful or wrong? I don’t really think so… do you?
August 12th, at 8:17 am
One point I forgot to add: Is it self injury if you can’t control it and masochism if you can?
August 23rd, at 11:41 am
“I do know masochists who self-injure, but none closely.”
You know me!
Yeah, I can see how it would be complicated for other people, but I’ve never gotten the two confused. Like the difference between getting wasted at a party with friends, and getting drunk by yourself at 10am in your office.
August 25th, at 10:23 am
I think every cutter I know is also a kinkster. There are a few lesbians and bisexual women I’ve not had the chance to enquire closely about. I’m pretty sure that every hair-puller I know is a kinkster too.
I do think the things are different. I know I would rather be around others, sceneing or not, than hurting myself.
September 17th, at 12:03 am
Very insightful post. Though the intent may be different, from my experience, those who cause injury on themselves are all kinksters as well, just as the other commenter said. This could be a coincidence however and I do not wish to generalize.
I spanked the post, ie voted for it on the fetspank site. Thank you