Why Not Pay?
March 25th,At dinner on Saturday, a friend asked me if I would pay for sex. I said, Yes, of course! I’m amazed, and dismayed, that I never have.
We posited that intrinsic difficulty prevented me. The research, the selection, the call, the appointment, the wait, the interview, the paying, the shuffling between rooms, more waiting, the undressing. Somewhere in there my libido would quail, and I would flee in cowardice.
Perhaps I had never wanted it badly enough. To that I said: Oh no, oh God, I have. The depth and depravity of my want could swallow small middle-American towns. I merely sought out other outlets.
Now, I am here to wonder why paying $200 seemed like a less viable plan than the various stupid, desperate, unsafe, ill-advised, or unsatisfactory choices I’ve consummated over the past few years. I assure you, much of the time, it would have been better to pay.
Why have I not paid? Am I just a pussy and a hypocrite? Here are a few of my theories.
-
My primary sexual orientation is men. The only providers available are women.
While there might be male sex workers I could hire, I do not know where to find them. There’s no TER or MaxFisch, no client review boards. I’d have to be as worried about getting beaten up and raped as if I were selling it. (Now that’s a shocking concept for all the people who ask me, “Aren’t you scared you’ll get attacked?” Assault isn’t about selling sex — hell, I could be selling real estate. It’s about violence and isolation.)
-
There is little social precedent for women buying sex.
I really don’t know how to go about it. Just as a man would, I know — but in no other aspect of my life do I seek to do something “just like a man”. Clients are Johns. Clients are Marks. Alans, not Alenas. The client role feels heavily gendered, and not in a hot transgressive way.
-
Female providers are accustomed to serving men. I worry that were I to buy from a woman, I would discomfit her.
In a dungeon she wouldn’t know the level of sexual interaction I expect from her. I even fear she might be insulted or confused if I didn’t want any — i.e., as if she were a stopgap fetish fulfilment when I really wanted a man. (Actually I think my strap-on serves as fetish fulfilment for some men who want men, and it’s not insulting, just bemusing — but still. I worry.)
How would she feel about penetrating me with a toy? Making me come with a vibrator? How would I feel? It’s a bit legally sketchy.
-
I have enjoyed an outlet in video experiences, where I picked my jobs and played with experienced tops.
See also #1. Competence and experience is important to me. With no review board, I might have to appear naked on the Internet to get my experience, but at least I know what they do and that they’re safe. And I kind of get off on the “you have to do it for the site, whether you like it or not” aspect.
On the plus side, those people pay me.
-
I am hung up on reciprocity.
This is one of my least favorite admissions. Many people say “I couldn’t pay a whore: I need to know she’s enjoying it!” I say: You’re paying her, that’s what she enjoys. At least this way you don’t have to wonder if she’s coming. You know she likes the money!
Additionally, I find it frustrating when I hear it from clients. “It’s all about you, Mistress. I want this to be about your pleasure.” It is always my “pleasure” to do it — or I wouldn’t do it. I know you want maximum value for your fantasy, and you think my orgasm would be proof, but it’s not for sale. I am not going to get off in session — I’m just not. Leave my intent alone and accept your experience at face value. It’s better for us both.
As a client, I think I’d break this rule. Selfishly, I must want to be wanted. Otherwise I wouldn’t care so much if my provider’s sexual orientation matched mine. I don’t like that desire: having sex for affirmation is more than vaguely creepy. I’d rather fuck for orgasms, thanks! Paid sex is not a place to look for affirmation.
-
My kinks are not the sort of thing I could pay for.
My second least favorite hypothesis, below only #5. Sounds snobby. Like all of you enjoying your whores have proletarian tastes, but my rarefied desires require morsels that can only be obtained from the tropics at great trouble and expense? Yeah, bullshit. I ain’t that special.
As a submissive, I would want to be the object of a partner’s sadism. In other words, to be hurt because it gets my partner off. Again, there’s proof-of-wanting in it — ugh — but there’s also a suspiciously martyr-like thread of “it’s not about me”. Double ugh!
As a provider I rail against these concepts. They are fantasy. Wanting them honestly and earnestly doesn’t make them buyable. Sadism and desire exist only nebulously, as intent, not the provable meat-world realm of nouns and verbs that we can purchase.
How to get around this? I suspect I could tell my provider exactly how to act, and try to focus on my experience, rather than dwelling like an obnoxious prat on her intent. (See the client advice in #4, above.) Whoring is the reality TV of sex. While it’s a contrived situation, the experiences can be real. When turned on we’re all easy to roll. Besides — pain is great at bringing immediacy to a fantasy.Alternately, I could go for the “I’m so pathetic, you’re only paying attention because I’m paying you” shtick. But it’s not really my thing.
-
I’ve been lucky enough to get mine for free.
Maybe I am privileged. Maybe it’s because of my irresistable personality. Maybe because of my socialization as a woman to “give” and be “fluid”, I’ve been willing to compromise and perform more than those who have chosen to pay. Who knows? Maybe I’m not actually having more sex than other people. Certainly the choice to pay for sex does not correlate with partners and their quality, or the lack thereof.
But my partners do take the edge off. These days, if I find myself tying myself up in the covers and attempting to hump the subway bench dividers, I just make a call and get on the train.
I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask in the questioning process: why do you have sex (or “non-sex” kink)? I don’t know if there are good reasons and bad reasons to have sex, but some are better recommendations to a provider than others. (Romantic connection = not so good. Getting off = great!)
Someday I would like to pay. And yes, I want it to be a man, and a top. If the submissive is really in control, that’s me you’ll see, gleefully fucking the paradigm up the ass with my big rubber femdom cock.
March 25th, at 12:41 am
Thought-provoking - very interesting indeed. And your last sentence made me chuckle!
xx Dee
March 25th, at 6:41 am
ROFLMAO that was perfect.
Personally ive always been a bit dismayed by the paradigm’s of the sex for sale models we have. All my female dom friends have the advantage of making money of the skills and kinks thay have either as a ProDom or some form of kink/sex work, males doms dont have those options really.
The archetypes for a male making money from sex work in the kink arena is as either a sub/bottom or male prostitute in the gay male areas or as a photographer or porn producer of some sort, rigger is a recent addition to th roster of possibilities however its a mostly an unnoticed position as the female model being tied is the center of attention as well as in most cases the guy who’s producing the porn so not a big job market as it were.
Ive always thought i would make a great ProDom.
March 25th, at 1:09 pm
A very interesting post.
It is a subject i have thought on - an interest in how the exchange of imagined power might affect me, i suppose.
I read Great Christina’s essay “buying Obediance” in Bussel’s Best Sex Writing 2008 which was fascinating too, but as a female wanting to submit to men i can see many complications which you articulated so well.
March 25th, at 5:42 pm
I offer very reasonable rates.
Or we could trade. I’ll top you if you’ll top me.
March 25th, at 8:32 pm
Dov, I’d hate to believe that there’s no potential market for someone with your skills. And not just because of what that might say about the rest of us who, well, aren’t you.
Calico, reading your list it looks like more than half of the issues are particular to your needs, desires, or circumstances, and not necessarily women in general. What do you think, can we set up a forum for people to plug Dov and vouch for his safety, and get him some customers?
March 25th, at 11:35 pm
Chukle I think i found my first Pimp Daddy
Must remind self to really really wake up before writing a post the day after getting back from DO and also spell check heavily.
LOL I am not that ego driven that I even think I am better than anyone else or that my skills are that much more advanced but I just watch and go “HEY!!! that would be so cool for me”
March 26th, at 5:03 am
Fascinating and honest. I like it.
March 26th, at 5:36 am
I’ve paid for sex before, with a woman, in Amsterdam where I was able to window shop. Being able to meet the eyes of the women, and see who flirted with me and who didn’t, made it a lot easier to find a woman I wanted to pay.
Now, I work independently as a sex worker. That means I can decide who to session with, and honestly, I only session with people I have that desire for. I don’t make as much money, sure. But I actually feel desire for what I’m doing. This also meas I expect good quality from my johns- if you’re doing something for *my* pleasure, you’re filling out a checklist and I’m going to have my fun. I’ll probably take into account what you like and reward you… but if you don’t have a fetish for nipple clamps and I do, best expect those clamps to be on.
Amusingly, there’s a lot more male-for-female escort ads here in the UK. Actually, never mind- it’s because it’s more legal. If you travel somewhere where escorting is legal, the men who prefer women come out of hiding. Same with Amsterdam, though they don’t tend to buy windows.
When would I pay for sex/Domination?
-a third for a threesome, when I don’t want to use a lover and it’s difficult to find fuck buddies, like in the UK, where they’re really uptight
-when I want to get off the way I want to get off, and I want to be selfish and not HAVE to care about the other person orgasming
-when I want to be Topped. Yup, I think I’d pay for it, because it’s too hard to find a Domme who will Top me without causing me pain. I’m not a masochist. And, since I prefer being the Top myself, it’d allow me to control the situation, get what I want, and go.
-sex with women. Cause seriously? It’s a lot easier to have sex with men. Finding a woman to play with involves rummaging through situationally bisexual girls, making time with the few left who are really bisexual (since lesbians usually won’t play with bisexual girls), trying to arrange a date, dating for a while, and then maybe getting laid. Sometimes? I don’t want all the fuss.
It’s something I’ve found I’d be more likely to do when I’m not in the Bay Area, actually. In the Bay, I can get what I want pretty easily, but here in London, it’s a lot harder to have casual play!
March 26th, at 7:25 pm
I’d pay for a good female “top” session with toys and a strap on or something actually.
MY hang up about even trying to find such a thing is the legal issue. I don’t particularly want to be arrested for trying to buy sex.
March 26th, at 11:20 pm
Dee, Bad Man - Thanks!
Dov - We’ll talk when I start my porn site.
bittersweet me - I must track down a copy of that book. Bitchy Jones has written a couple of really hot posts on the idea of paying a male submissive, and as someone who’s been paid to submit, I see the appeal both ways.
Zonk - I want to see a genuine ad, damnit, with thigh-high boots and a riding crop. Or no money for you!
Boston Boy - Of course these are specific to me. I don’t know what a woman’s opinion is; I know what this woman’s opinion is. Which is why I’m loving the feedback from other women, like Kitty and Jaded Hippy.
Kitty - Thanks so much for a really thoughtful, and enlightening, comment.
BTW, I checked out your blog and was nodding to myself before I even realized I “knew” you from LJ. Well met, and added to the blogroll besides.
whatername - Thanks for chipping in! I am so glad to know I’m not alone! Come to think of it, I didn’t even get into the legal issue really. I feel a post coming on.
March 27th, at 8:39 am
I didn’t mean to imply you could speak for WOMAn (hear her roar), or that you’re supposed to . Sorry if that’s how it sounded. I suppose I DID think that as a member of a potential customer base, you might have ideas on how to make the desired product more available, accessible, or attractive to other potential customers. Which somehow in my head doesn’t translate to the same thing, but I guess with something as personal as sex work it might, I don’t know.
And I just found the idea of getting to pimp Dov hilarious. The idea of me getting to pimp him, not the idea of him being pimpable. But it looks like you may have that covered.
March 28th, at 11:03 am
You know, I did the same thing- “oh, Dominatrix Next Door, should check that blog out, HEY WAIT A MINUTE!”
Glad to help!
And I should add- this whole concept has brought up my female lover asking me how much 2oo quid would get her… I might be making it better than I thought
I think if women felt they COULD pay for sex and get exactly what they wanted, they would. And considering the number of requests I get for threesomes? Women can see the benefits of a casual, safe, paid partner for a frolic as well as men can.
March 31st, at 9:41 am
Here’s an interview RKB did with Greta Christina about the piece she included in the anthology (and a link to the original article): http://gretachristina.typepad.com/greta_christinas_weblog/2007/12/pulling-the-str.html#more
(Not that you shouldn’t still buy the book!)
April 2nd, at 1:06 pm
Loved this post!
I’ve been thinking about both sides lately: paying and getting paid. I’ve itches that need to be scratched, dammit!! How come Spitzer can and I can’t???
And the idea of pimping Dov is redicoulously delicious!!!
When you start to pander him, I’ll happily give a testimonial!!